It is my personal belief that no two people are perfectly suited only for each other. I know that’s not what most people like to think; after all, we hear and say things like, “We are perfect for each other,” and “There couldn’t be two people more perfectly suited for one another” all the time. But there isn’t “one perfect person” out there in the universe that we must “find.” Rather, by learning skills, developing tools, and doing the right things, any two people can come together as a couple and have a satisfying relationship.
So, if I’m correct in my belief, why then do some couples learn these abilities and skills while others can’t seem to make them work?
The answer is to Build TRUST!
According to Webster’s Dictionary, trust is “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” In a marriage, trust means so much more than that, though. We naturally want to see it, touch it, and feel it. It is the foundation of any relationship, especially marriage. It creates safety, openness, vulnerability, and love. And without it, there’s no way any of us can expect our relationship to survive.
Simply put, the central missing ingredient for distressed couples is the ability to build trust and maintain it.
To Build Trust in a marriage -do this:
- Can I count on you? (to help with the kids, make decisions on finances, household decisions, etc.)
- Do you have my back? (when times get tough; in sickness and in health)
- Will you be faithful to me?
- Do you do what you say you will do?
- Will you be there for me when I go through a hard time?
- Can we count on each other to create an emotionally safe relationship?
- Do you choose me over your family, friends, and colleagues?
- Will you take my boundaries seriously?
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building trust means that we are a team. We believe it is a given that our best interests are our partner’s deepest hopes and desires. Not that they will be completely selfless, of course, but the point is that what is important to us is also important to them. We feel cherished — they care about what we care about and what is important and meaningful to us.
As a result, we are bound together while
also being set free to experience the full potential of our marriage.
What TRUST is NOT
As we’ve learned over the past couple of blog posts, trust is NOT inconsistency, abuse of power over someone, destructive emotions such as anger, lack of empathy, feelings of disconnect and volatility, lying to yourself, etc.
Here’s a real-life example, it would be like Susan needing me to be emotionally available and present when she has a bad day at work or has feelings of self-doubt. Still, I instead consistently choose to disregard her needs. Instead of trusting her husband during her most vulnerable moments, she has to rely on friends or family to fill that gap. That’s not a trust-filled marriage if you ask me.
In closing, all we’re trying to say is that build trust is essential to every relationship — especially marriages. Couples who can see, express, and feel trust in one another will have the marriage they’ve always dreamed of.
We care about You and Your marriage!
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Did we leave anything out? How would you assess the level of trust in your relationship? What are you doing to build on that? Please send us a quick email and help us keep this conversation going at Mike@MikeandSusanDawson.com.