Susan and I have been married for 39 years! Thank you. Thank you; we’ll hold for the applause! In all seriousness, though, we believe marriage is important. And we think it’s important because God began by the connection of a man and a woman together to fulfill His purpose for this earth and this life. We also believe marriage is the most powerful earthly relationship we can have — we need to be united and connected.

To that end, I always ask my couples to tell me their “why.” In other words, what was it that attracted you to your spouse? What were the characteristics about each other that made you want to date and eventually get married?

Inevitably, they share all kinds of great personality traits, characteristics, and things their partner did.

“She was beautiful, kind, organized, and smart.”

“He was a hard worker, intelligent, and supportive.”

“We had fun together. We talked a lot, and we were together all the time.”

All of that is true for me, too. But really, it all started when I saw that purple dress she wore the day I met her. Well, actually, it was WHO was in that purple dress that really hooked me.

Over the next few minutes, I’d like to guide you in a few skills and attitudes that are proven to improve couples’ communication and connection with their spouse.

“It’s not just about tying the knot. It’s
also about keeping the knot tight.”

Rituals of Connection

Rituals of Connection are intentional times that partners spend together willingly and predictably. These are times when they know they can count on each other’s presence. But not just physical presence — emotional presence where each person is tuned in and connected. These are important because:

  1. When you create shared rituals of connection, you improve your connection in the relationship.
  2. They are a source of joy, fun, reflection, and connection. These can be small events, like how you part in the morning or looking back at the days’ activities together at dinner or during bedtime. They can also be big events like birthdays, anniversaries, and holiday celebrations. {we always keep a bottle of bubbly in the fridge to celebrate small daily wins}

The most important piece to Rituals of Connection is that it has to do with trust in your relationship and helps you feel closer and more connected. You can read more about ROCs here, but here are a few Susan and I put together:

Daily Connection Rituals

Hello/Goodbye Ritual — Nearly every time one of us comes home and the other is already there, we stop and say hello. For instance, I come home late several nights a week after meeting with clients. Susan usually has already eaten dinner and maybe watching TV or working on the computer.  When I come home, though, she stops what she’s doing and gives me a giant hug and kiss. This only takes a short amount of time, and it’s a great bonding moment for us.

From there, we spend maybe 15 or 20 seconds together, asking about the other’s day and letting each other know we are glad to be back together. But what does it mean? For me, when Susan puts the TV on pause and gets up and walks toward me, it says, “I’m more important than the TV, and I’m glad you are home. You are who I want to be with.”

It’s very similar when we leave each other.

The one who’s leaving goes and finds the other to say goodbye with a kiss and let them know to have a good day.

Here’s the thing. It doesn’t take long to do a hello and a goodbye ritual. If you had to go from the absolute farthest part of your house to the other to find your spouse, how long would that really take? And because it takes so little time, and you can do it often, it helps you stay connected, appreciated, cared about, and loved.

We also have a Morning Ritual — We both get up and meet over coffee and tea in what we call our “comfy green chairs.” This is our time to connect and find out what’s going on with each other’s day before we face that world without each other. We can have what we call “Work Talk,” where we discuss our schedules, our commitments, and what time we are meeting the kids for dinner. It is also where we can have what we call “Heart Talk,” where we talk about what we hope for, reflect on important things, or dream about being “empty-nesters.”

So, What’s the bottom line here about rituals of connection? Couples build trust when they use consistent rituals, and they strengthen their closeness and connection. It’s really that simple!

We’ll be sharing more in the coming weeks, so please check back with us soon!

We care about You and Your marriage!

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Did we leave anything out? What rituals of connection do you think will work for your relationship? Don’t be afraid to steal some of our examples above. We want you to! In fact, please send us a quick email and help us keep this conversation going at