Long Term Costs of Not Repairing After a Fight

I just had to share this situation that I recently read about. It speaks on a deep heart level about the people we truly are versus who we are in public. Tell me how you’d feel and let me know what you believe should happen to repair after this fight.

In my first years of marriage, my wife and I got into a disagreement while visiting a family member’s home. We went to the guest room to hash it out privately, but we had no idea how badly we were about to embarrass ourselves.

While in the guest room, our tempers flared. Unfortunately, I became particularly disrespectful until suddenly, my wife’s face dropped, and she said, “Oh my gosh – the baby monitor is right next to you.”

This was significant because the baby monitor’s speaker was sitting in the living room and our hosts were home. I was unfazed.

“Don’t worry, “I said, “I turned it off right before we came in here.”

Without missing a beat, I continued rehashing my grievance until we got tired of arguing and my wife left the room. Then she immediately returned and said, with icy composure, “I just went to the living room. You didn’t turn the baby monitor to the ‘off’ position. You turned it to ‘voice activation.’”

We both felt like we were going to die, hoping that by some chance nobody had heard our nasty argument .In fact, we learned, they had. We were humiliated.

This incident was a lightbulb moment for the writer and his wife. They realized they had just revealed some of the worst parts of themselves to the family. As he said, “We were humiliated.”

But this also proved to be a huge wake-up call. As a couple, if some of your private conversations were to be broadcast to other people who you care for and respect, what would they think about you? More importantly, what would YOU think about you?

Think back to that last emotional outburst, explosive tirade, or accusing argument with your spouse for your ears only, what would you hear?

Did You Hear:

Anger

Accusation

Contempt

Judgment

Blaming

No actual communication

If you heard any of these attitudes above, then the effects on your relationship are going to be there for a long time unless you do a repair.

Immediate AND Long-Term Effects of Unrepaired Fighting

Broken Relationship –

Disconnect between you and your spouse. Just because the fight is over doesn’t mean the damage ceases to exist.

Lack of Closeness –

Zero sharing of feelings and needs.

Less or no physical intimacy –

No touching and no sex.

Self-loathing –

Begin to question, “Is this really who I am? It’s not who I want to be, but we can’t seem to break the fighting habit.”

Shame –

Begin to feel, “I’m not worthy of a good marriage. I don’t deserve the love of my spouse and family.”

However, there is hope. You can repair your relationship after a fight but it’s going to take some work on both of your parts, and your spouse may not be willing to do the work. If they’re not interested in trying to repair after a fight, let Mike and I encourage you to walk through these steps, even if it’s just for you. By going through this process, you will become more self-aware and possibly able to find ways other than fighting to reconcile differences.

How to Repair After a Fight

Search yourself for “why” the fight happened.

Don’t even consider what your partner may and may not have done to contribute to the fight, just think about why you were so upset and mad. Mad enough to hurt the person you love. Make notes of what you discover. This isn’t a quick process, but it is well worth the effort. You may discover unmet expectations (LINK to blog), preferences, or maybe it is a moral issue in this particular situation that got you crazy.

{Bonus Question: What’s the difference between right and wrong – a moral issue?}

Answer: Go to the Bible – God’s Word – to see if something is right or wrong. (i.e., the Do’s and Don’ts)

If you can’t find your particular concern in the “don’ts” of the Bible, then it’s your personal preference or expectation. Personal preferences or expectations are just that. You need to learn to compromise here.

Ask your spouse to discuss the argument in a mutually agreeable, neutral setting. Best not to ask this question 5 minutes before you’re leaving for work or when they are watching their favorite show.
Go first. Start with an apology for hurting your spouse. Even if you feel justified in your expectation or preference.
Use your notes from your “Why” search and express at least one thing you agree with, that your spouse said during the fight. This opens up a space for communication.
Communication means this is a back and forth conversation not just a one-sided dialogue.

Express your perspective on the issue using a normal voice, volume, and tone. Ask for your spouse’s perspective. If emotions start to flare, ask for a time-out, and agree to come back to the discussion in 10-15 minutes.