Conflict

What Lightning Bolts are you Ignoring in your Marriage?

2019-06-21T20:39:40+00:00Conflict, Emotion|

We recently had the wonderful family cruise, in the Eastern Caribbean.  There’s really nothing quite like spending quality time (with no electronics) with people you love.  But there was one experience that caught me off guard and may have been one of my most important (enlightening) experiences on the trip. STRANGE NOISES The last night of the cruise, Mike and I had laid down to go to sleep, bags packed, next day clothes and toothbrushes ready for early morning departure.  I was reading a bit before turning off the light and kept hearing this strange noise.  I couldn’t identify it AND it just kept happening.  There wasn’t really any rhythm [...]

Long Term Costs of Not Repairing After a Fight

2018-08-10T15:56:11+00:00Anger, Conflict|

I just had to share this situation that I recently read about. It speaks on a deep heart level about the people we truly are versus who we are in public. Tell me how you’d feel and let me know what you believe should happen to repair after this fight. In my first years of marriage, my wife and I got into a disagreement while visiting a family member’s home. We went to the guest room to hash it out privately, but we had no idea how badly we were about to embarrass ourselves. While in the guest room, our tempers flared. Unfortunately, I became particularly disrespectful until suddenly, my [...]

Are You Rejecting Your Partner’s Influence?

2018-06-02T00:17:01+00:00Communication, Conflict|

People who take their partner’s influence into their decision-making process will experience less negativity and escalation in their conflict. How do we know? First, Proverbs tells us that, pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. Second, research (Gottman, Christensen, and Jacobs) on couples and relationships bears this out. And, ask any psychologist or counselor, and they will tell you the same. My personal experience with couples leads me to this conclusion. Let’s take a look at why. Debbie wants to go to her parents’ home in Seattle for Christmas, which is a norm for her and her husband, Dave. Debbie: “What time do you [...]

OOPS! Did I Push Your Buttons?

2018-05-03T19:25:11+00:00Conflict, Fear|

Do you and your spouse get into those “cycles?” Those patterns that seem to go round and round to where it feels like you just keep pushing each other’s buttons? Take heart, you are not alone! Almost all couples create cycles over time that can keep them on the proverbial roller coaster of relationships. The Fear Dance The “destructive dance” most couples get into generally stems from some source of fear. Men and women alike have basic core fears. The two most basic fears are: • Loss of power, or feeling controlled. This is usually a man’s greatest fear. Men want to feel they are good at what they do, [...]

Bottom-line Why you FIGHT!

2018-04-13T16:42:17+00:00Conflict, Emotion|

You’ve heard authors, TV personalities, even preachers say, “Just fight fair. We know you’re going to fight, but don’t hurt your spouse when you do.” Let’s define fighting. Fighting IS: adrenaline is pumping tempers are hot emotions are frazzled words are flying around like poisoned darts Not hurting your spouse during this type of exchange is almost impossible. Because of the highly emotional state, things typically are said that hurt your spouse and your relationship. You can disagree (i.e., have conflict – everyone has conflict) about something and have a rational conversation that leads to resolution. Just don’t let it turn into a mud-slinging, name-calling fight. Fighting isn’t going to [...]

Why Desires and Conflict go Hand in Hand

2017-09-28T14:23:10+00:00Conflict, Emotion|

All couples fight! We have heard it most of our lives. Therapists, self-help gurus, relationship professionals and even pastors believe it is a natural part of a couple’s life together. It’s normal. Everyone does it. Learn how to fight fair! Fighting fair to resolve conflict! 8 Commandments for fighting fair! These are only a few of the titles of well-meaning books or blogs. For sure, all couples do have conflict. But think about the meaning of the word “fight”: a violent confrontation or struggle; to attempt to harm or gain power over an adversary by blows or with weapons. Few of us would seriously consider that couples conflicts should become [...]

How to Process an Argument/Conflict Successfully

2017-07-06T14:15:18+00:00Conflict|

Does it ever feel like you have the same fight or argument or conflict over and over again? The subjects may be different, but the way you fight is the same old, same old. And the next conversation is never any better than the last one. That is a frustrating and totally exhausting way to have a relationship! It is no secret that most couples just do not have the skills or understanding to process an argument well. “Old habits die hard” is maybe more true in arguments than anywhere else. Paths through arguments are deeply ingrained, and so it is no wonder couples always end up at the same [...]

The Key to Crushing Conflict

2017-06-19T14:57:08+00:00Conflict, Emotion|

I have always loved pithy little sayings, cute quips and wise proverbs. One of the things I’ve noticed most of them have in common is that they are generally very telling about our humanity. And they also have a lot to say about how we talk and act toward each other! A wise spouse shows how smart they really are, by saying little; And a spouse who is understanding, controls their temper! Now that’s my version of Proverbs 17:27 as it relates to understanding first, then advice; an essential key to conflict for couples if they want to be self-controlled, not fight, and actually accomplish something together when they have [...]