Everyone’s heard of and likely experienced the fairy tale courtship. Basically, guy meets girl … he sweeps her off her feet … there’s passion and romance … great friendship … she feels loved and cherished. He understands her like no other woman. And then, the wedding happens. And the man can’t wrap his brain around how life became so confusing.
As a man and marriage counselor,
I certainly can see the confusion that we men have regarding women. Men are generally solution-oriented. We see a task, and we fix it. We simply need to get it done, and we don’t let things get in the way.
But therein lies the rub: what works so well for us in our careers and jobs does not work very well in our relationships with our wives.
I see this so often with couples. Things start great but later become confusing.
Why does what I do or say one time get a good response,
and the next time, it’s the complete opposite?
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Men would love to understand their wives better
None of this is to suggest we are “doggin” on women. We love our wives. But we would like to understand them better. Here are a few realizations by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn from their book, For Men Only, that might help you as a man be less confused.
- Financial security for a woman is great, but it’s not as important as feeling emotionally secure or feeling close and confident that you are going to be there for her no matter what. Being there for her emotionally feels like love and trust to her.
- Women are emotional. Big surprise, huh? Women deal with multiple thoughts and emotions from their past and the present — all at the same time. Their brains just don’t work the way that a man does. The quicker we understand that and the more patient we are with them, the better off we will be.
- Although women seem to be impossible to figure out, men have to learn that behind her words and actions, there’s a logical reason for why she does what she does and why she thinks what she’s thinking.
- Most men have learned this by now, but let’s say it anyway: she wants to be heard and understood — not fixed. Women can find solutions and have logical brains also. But when she is sharing an issue, her feelings and desire to be heard and understood are more important than the problem itself. That’s a big one for us men to learn.
- She wants to be loved. As we mentioned before, there is a great need for security deep inside her that comes from being loved. When her insecurities are triggered, she can seem confused and upset until she feels reassured. The conscious or unconscious thought process is, “Would he choose me all over again?” And that’s where our words and our actions must reinforce our choice for her and our love for her.
- And here’s a biggie — sexual intimacy. It is mainly true for most women that their desire for sexual intimacy is not necessarily their priority. But this is not about a man’s desirability. Although men are very much driven by the emotional need to feel desired by their wives, her lower level of desire is not about her desire for you. So what do we do about that? Her ability to respond to you has to do with how she feels emotionally about you at the moment. How you treat her regularly, speak to her, communicate and have conversations with her, and what you do for her makes all the difference in the world.
If you haven’t had a chance to read our three previous posts on this matter, we invite you to do so now.
All we are saying with this series of posts is that men and women (husbands and wives) must put in the work to understand one another, give each other what they desire, and show the grace and generosity that is so important for a safe and connected marriage.
Do you want to get your hands on more books like what the Feldhahns wrote? Visit our resources page.
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Did we leave anything out? How are you trying to understand your wife and give her what she deserves emotionally and physically? And how is that benefiting your marital journey together? Please send us a quick email and help us keep this conversation going at Mike@MikeandSusanDawson.com.