We all remember when we couldn’t imagine spending a millisecond away from the love of our life. We’d hang out, talk on the phone until all hours of the night, go on trips, sacrifice time for each other, buy gifts, and even make up cute nicknames. It’s an amazing feeling to be that in love! But as we’ve written before, somewhere along the way — marriage, careers, children, etc. — we settle into routines, spend less time together, and are less intentional with one another.
We lose sight of the expressions of love that made us feel so good about each other. This may make you even begin to wonder, “am I no longer in love with my spouse?” While it may feel that way, the answer is a resounding “NO.”
Reignite those feelings with effort, willingness, and intentionality
You haven’t fallen out of love. But that feeling of being “in love” with your spouse is tied directly to all those intentional acts or behaviors that you both used to do but have allowed to fall to the wayside. You’re now passive and comfortable with each other, so your feelings for your partner and willingness to meet needs or express love are all painfully low.
To fall back in love with your spouse, you must do all those same things again that made you feel good about each other and get the feel-good chemicals in the brain (Oxytocin, Norepinephrine, etc.) working in your favor so that you feel:
- Giddy excitement and happiness
- Attraction and intimacy
- Needs are being satisfied
- Empathy toward your beloved
- Emotional dependency
Rebuild your love, overcome doubts of love and caring, and fall back in love all over again. Here’s how!
5 ways to fall back in love with your spouse
1) Practice the Art of Presence — Just because you are in the same room with your spouse doesn’t mean you are truly “present.” Maybe the TV is on, or one of you is on the phone or working on a laptop. The Art of Presence requires disconnecting from the outside world and focusing on your spouse. It’s an opportunity to be nearby while your spouse processes their thoughts, feelings, or emotions. Once they do that, you can then interact with them on a deep, meaningful level.
2) Plan date nights — With busy work schedules, kids, and other commitments, it can be difficult for any couple to get away for a few hours. Amid the chaos of life, intentionally plan your date nights in advance. Maybe take turns working out the details — that way, it’s always a surprise for the other person. Get dressed up and do something special (not just on Valentine’s Day). This will get you excited to spend time with each other and fall back in love.
3) Do things with each other — Beyond date nights, be spontaneous, and do new things together. Maybe that means working out together, going on more vacations, or even signing up for dancing lessons. Being creative and spending more time together rejuvenates a relationship and can help you fall back in love with your spouse.
4) Laugh more — We all want to be with someone who makes us laugh. And not just a light chuckle, but a rolling-on-the-floor type laugh that makes our sides hurt (in a good way)! Laughter adds excitement, silliness, intimacy, decreases stress, improves communication. Plus, it makes you want to be around your spouse more —to see what they do next.
5) Random gestures of appreciation — Noticing your partner, whether it’s because of that beautiful dress she chose to wear to work that day or the 15 pounds he worked so tirelessly to lose, goes a long way in helping your spouse feel attractive, loved, and appreciated.
Real love is not a feeling however it comes from intentional choices we make to care for others. It is the words and actions that reflect God’s love for each of us. How amazing is it that through our actions, we can fall in love and stay in love, too?!
Our heart is devoted to caring about people and marriages!
Our heart is devoted to caring about people. We want to ensure you have the tools to be head-over-heels in love with your spouse — now and every day into the future. The best way we know how to do that is by spreading the word to more people and let them know that we are here.
What do you think? Did we leave anything out? What works for you in your marriage? Please send us a quick email and help us keep this conversation going. mike@MikeandSusanDawson.com.