Communication Fails vs Love Bank 2.0

2021-08-04T22:29:54+00:00Communication, Love|

A common statement I hear from couples who are having problems in their marriage is that they aren’t communicating.  This can indicate Love Bank balance issues. “We just aren’t communicating like we used to!” “Gee, ya know … we just aren’t talking. And when we do, we end up fighting over something.” “I don’t think either of us is communicating how we really feel.” Communication breakdowns are normal. They happen to all of us. But we shouldn’t allow those breakdowns to last for too long. We need to investigate the root cause and do something about it. After all, communication is vital in marriage! It’s the only way we can [...]

A Man’s Greatest Need: RESPECT

2021-05-31T20:05:17+00:00Respect|

In all my years as a counselor, I continue to see that the differences between spouses cause us the most conflict. On the surface, we just think our spouse is being difficult on purpose. But in reality, we each have very specific needs that aren’t being met, which leads to fighting. It’s only when couples understand that there is a deeper meaning behind those differences that they learn to adjust how they think about their spouse. In turn, their attitudes and actions moving forward make the relationship close, connected, and happy. The books for women only and for men only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn are excellent resources to help [...]

6 Keys or Secrets to Great Couple Communication

2021-03-03T17:54:34+00:00Communication|

We’ve thrown a lot at you over the last few weeks and months about great couple communication. Specifically, what it should look like, how to talk through conflict when it inevitably happens, and, of course, how all of this fits into the bigger picture of having a safe and connected marriage. Say it with us one more time — positive communication is vital in marriage! It’s the only way we can truly get to know our spouse and truly respond to each other’s wants and needs.   “Two things can destroy any relationship: unrealistic expectations and poor communication.” — unknown author   Keys to Great Couple Communication Susan and I [...]

Work Talk vs. Heart Talk: Avoiding Miscommunication In Your Marriage

2022-07-06T21:38:31+00:00Communication, Heart|

A husband and his wife are sitting on the couch talking about their day when the wife says, “You wouldn’t believe what my boss did to me today!” She continues explaining her horrible experience, and, wanting to help, he rattles off solution after solution. He thinks that he’s hubby of the year right now, but to his surprise, she gets more upset. “You don’t get it,” she says. “Quit trying to fix things!” Sound familiar? This is a classic case of work talk vs. heart talk. Work talk and heart talk are the two languages we as couples speak. Each is important to ensure great communication in a marriage, but [...]

News to Me: Respect is More Important Than Communication

2018-09-14T22:00:48+00:00Communication|

We all have moments of disagreement, conflict, misunderstanding and lack of communication.  If you can dig down and get to the underlying reason for disagreement or conflict many times, it’s about how we didn’t communicate well enough. Our spouse or significant other didn’t really understand and hear what we were trying to tell them. Miscommunication and misunderstanding are often blamed when a couple gets divorced, separated, or even just starts to head down the path to a disconnected and less than satisfying relationship. However, in a recent study of 1500 people who have been happily married for more than 20 years, they cited mutual RESPECT as the reason for their [...]

Communication Transformation

2017-04-20T18:13:43+00:00Communication, Emotion|

Frustrated by not being able to talk? Tired of finding that your attempts at problem solving just lead to negativity and high drama? Overwhelmed by conversations that always go south? We see this problem in both counseling sessions and in marriage groups. We hear all too often, “we just can’t talk without it becoming an argument or a fight.” Why do so many couples go down this road? Gary Smalley in The DNA of Relationships understands it exactly; and it’s exactly what we see with couples time and time again. He says there are four ways couples waste time and frustrate the process when it comes to having a conversation [...]

The How-To Guide for Work Talk vs. Heart Talk

2017-04-14T16:09:15+00:00Communication|

Do you ever find yourself trying to communicate with your spouse and they just aren’t hearing what you’re saying? It’s like we’re speaking two different languages! The old joke goes that a wife calls her husband around 4 in the afternoon and says, “Hey, can you pick up a gallon of milk?” Husband says, “Sure, it’s only about 8 lbs.” Waaa Waaa. What we have here is a clear miscommunication. There are two different languages we speak as couples.  Work Talk and Heart Talk. WORK TALK: Work Talk is the task oriented, schedule driven, let’s get stuff done kind of communication that can help make a weekly schedule. Work Talk [...]

Respond and Validate FIRST!

2017-03-30T19:55:58+00:00Communication|

Ever start a good conversation with your partner, then out of nowhere it seems like it goes bad? Guess what? You are not alone. What is almost certainly missing is a simple respond and validate. There are very simple keys to having great conversations that do not escalate, go negative, or just go nowhere. Most couples who have not deliberately worked on their communication styles together get into (at least one of) the traps of MIS-communication: • They talk about the event or the “what happened.” In other words, they talk about who did what, who said what, and the “thing” that happened. This often leads to a lot of [...]

Turning Towards Your Significant Other

2017-05-22T19:23:50+00:00Relationships|

Imagine yourself in this scenario. It’s a beautiful Saturday morning. You are at the breakfast table enjoying a leisurely meal. You look out the window and then turn to your partner, “Babe, we should go for a bike ride later. It’s a perfect day!” Does your partner turn to you and respond with? A. “That’s a great idea! I’ll go pump up the bike tires!” B. “It is a beautiful day outside.” C. “A bike ride? Really? I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less.” D. (Keeps reading the paper.) In this scenario did you know that the request to go on a bike ride together is actually [...]

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