Are you and your spouse stuck in the Crazy Cycle?

2022-11-02T07:26:25+00:00Love, Respect|

As we’ve learned over the past couple of weeks, a wife has one important need — to feel loved. Conversely, a husband has his own important need that must be met — to feel respected. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has researched, taught, and written about this fact for more than 40 years, and he believes that this love and respect cycle continues uninterrupted until each of these needs is met. This interaction is known as the Crazy Cycle, and it shows how important it is for the man to love his wife and the wife to respect her husband. Without those basic essentials, they cannot be happy, content, and confident about [...]

Communication Fails vs Love Bank 2.0

2021-08-04T22:29:54+00:00Communication, Love|

A common statement I hear from couples who are having problems in their marriage is that they aren’t communicating.  This can indicate Love Bank balance issues. “We just aren’t communicating like we used to!” “Gee, ya know … we just aren’t talking. And when we do, we end up fighting over something.” “I don’t think either of us is communicating how we really feel.” Communication breakdowns are normal. They happen to all of us. But we shouldn’t allow those breakdowns to last for too long. We need to investigate the root cause and do something about it. After all, communication is vital in marriage! It’s the only way we can [...]

The Secret Sauce to a Woman’s Greatest Need: LOVE!

2021-06-15T18:55:08+00:00Love, Relationships|

In last week’s blog post, we kick-started a conversation on the differences between spouses and how it’s usually those differences that cause the most conflict with couples we see. Plainly, men and women think differently and have very specific needs that need to be met and understood to improve generosity, love, and grace toward each other. Borrowing a page or two — or three — from Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn’s books for women only and for men only, we’ve already dove into a man’s greatest need — respect. Now, let’s talk about “a woman’s greatest need.” What a wife needs — LOVE! I often share funny stories with couples that [...]

How to Influence My Spouse and Understand Them

2021-04-04T16:55:43+00:00Communication, Conflict, Uncategorized|

Most marriage counselors will tell you that the best way to deal with and manage difficult conversations and differences between you and your spouse is to think in terms of being cooperative, seeking out understanding, and utilizing persuasion and influence. All of this is great — and true. But it’s also a bunch of “counselor talk.” What this really means is that you need to understand your partner’s point of view. Granted, that can be easier said than done — especially when you’re in the heat of the moment and both of you are thinking, “well, I’m right, and you are so horribly wrong.” But with the right attitude, finding [...]

Unhealthy Marriage Patterns: Building Walls

2020-05-11T14:43:59+00:00Connection, Safety|

If we asked Superman to stand in front of a brick wall and tell us who is on the other side, he could easily use his X-ray vision to see straight through, right? He’d be able to tell us all sorts of details, too, from something as simple as what that person looks like to quickly discerning if they are happy, sad, scared, or even in danger. And if necessary, he could break through the wall to help them. But what if we put you in front of the same wall? Could you match Superman’s feat?   Of course not! And in this scenario, you’d be okay with that. After [...]

News to Me: Respect is More Important Than Communication

2018-09-14T22:00:48+00:00Communication|

We all have moments of disagreement, conflict, misunderstanding and lack of communication.  If you can dig down and get to the underlying reason for disagreement or conflict many times, it’s about how we didn’t communicate well enough. Our spouse or significant other didn’t really understand and hear what we were trying to tell them. Miscommunication and misunderstanding are often blamed when a couple gets divorced, separated, or even just starts to head down the path to a disconnected and less than satisfying relationship. However, in a recent study of 1500 people who have been happily married for more than 20 years, they cited mutual RESPECT as the reason for their [...]

The Key to Crushing Conflict

2017-06-19T14:57:08+00:00Conflict, Emotion|

I have always loved pithy little sayings, cute quips and wise proverbs. One of the things I’ve noticed most of them have in common is that they are generally very telling about our humanity. And they also have a lot to say about how we talk and act toward each other! A wise spouse shows how smart they really are, by saying little; And a spouse who is understanding, controls their temper! Now that’s my version of Proverbs 17:27 as it relates to understanding first, then advice; an essential key to conflict for couples if they want to be self-controlled, not fight, and actually accomplish something together when they have [...]

The How-To Guide for Work Talk vs. Heart Talk

2017-04-14T16:09:15+00:00Communication|

Do you ever find yourself trying to communicate with your spouse and they just aren’t hearing what you’re saying? It’s like we’re speaking two different languages! The old joke goes that a wife calls her husband around 4 in the afternoon and says, “Hey, can you pick up a gallon of milk?” Husband says, “Sure, it’s only about 8 lbs.” Waaa Waaa. What we have here is a clear miscommunication. There are two different languages we speak as couples.  Work Talk and Heart Talk. WORK TALK: Work Talk is the task oriented, schedule driven, let’s get stuff done kind of communication that can help make a weekly schedule. Work Talk [...]

5 Steps to Relational Safety

2018-01-30T15:58:40+00:00Relationships, Safety|

Last time we examined what a safe relationship might look or sound like; and what skills we can learn and practice to help the relationships in our lives. That if we are going to thrive, our marriages or other close relationships must remain a safe environment. This focus we are talking about is not physical, but emotional and relational safety. If you haven’t already, go back and evaluate what we said emotional and relational safety sounds like. Such as: My feelings, ideas, and concerns matter. We honor one another. Anger is not out of control. I don’t feel judgment, but understanding and compassion. Discover together what you do, or don’t [...]

Safety is a Must for Healthy Relationships

2018-01-30T16:12:34+00:00Relationships, Safety|

A safe relationship. You might not know exactly what I mean by that, but I bet you sure know what an unsafe relationship feels like. Are you already thinking of that person? The person that makes you feel scared, closed off, or even unimportant? Is that unsafe person your spouse? If so, ok, we have work to do. Hang in there. If that unsafe person is not your spouse, hang in too. There is a huge opportunity to learn and practice some skills that will help other relationships in your life AND protect your marriage. If you are going to thrive, your marriage must remain as a safe environment. What [...]

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